Now It's For Real (Not really)

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My Life Is Almost Over

Have you ever had the feeling that your life was about to end?  Because I’m only about to turn sixteen and I already feel like I’m running out of time to do things.  It’s like I’m constantly watching a countdown and I don’t know when it stops counting.

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Lately I’ve Been Working On Recovering From Cutting

Tonight it will be two weeks since I last cut.  I’m excited for the milestone but it’s so difficult, I’ve almost relapsed every day for the last five days.  What matters though is that I’m doing my best and I’m slowly weaning myself off.  Gotta remind myself of that sometimes.

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I’ll Build My Own

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Conflicted

i hate the way I am.  i have an amazing boyfriend, but something still feels missing.  I can’t imagine me staying the rest of my life with him, but I could never in a million years let him.  I can’t even imagine a break up without almost crying.  But when I think about how I’m going to be able to reign myself in enough so that we can stay together, I feel trapped.  I need to be free but I need him as well, does anyone see the issue here? 😥

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Did you know that shame causes stomach aches?

Because I didn’t.  Not until today. 

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I am Marisa

And I feel so alone.  It never stops, the voices never stop they’re all I hear.  They started in 6th grade and they’ve never stopped.  Fat, ugly, selfish, stupid, lazy, unloved, drama queen, attention seeker, bitch, slut, whore, useless, pathetic, needy, cold, heartless.  Names, comments, all the time.  I can’t stand when someone compliments me because the first thing I hear is that they’re lying and they secretly can’t stand you because you’re horrible.  I hate when people buy me stuff because I don’t deserve it because you’re selfish and awful and so many other people should have what you have and they don’t and it’s your fault.  I never show how sad and scared I am because I’m weak and emotional and you can’t cry because then they would see how weak you are and laugh at you.  I’ve tried everything to make them stop.  Burning, cutting, drinking, smoking on occasion, revealing my body and dating guys I never liked and nothing works.  Since sixth grade I’ve been trying to make them go away and they won’t, they won’t, they won’t.  I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.  Someone help me.

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uh…

it has been forever since ive been on here, honestly literally months.  and i feel kinda bad about it but whatever.  so a few things have happened since i last logged on…

  • I broke up with my old boyfriend, got back together, and then broke up again.
  • i started seeing a therapist back in November but i never put it on here….
  • I got a role as a featured dancer in the musical 🙂
  • I got a puppy 😀
  • and you know the friend of my boyfriend that i really cared about but ended up pushing away?  well we started talking again after a little while and we got really close.  now we’re together and it feels so right.  i can tell him anything.

so that’s it i guess for now.  until next time, see ya :p

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was i bad God?

am i right to think im just a broken angel who was sent to the Earth as a mortal as punishment?  because i don’t belong here.  i know you can hear me and i know somewhere in my soul that there was some thing before this. there’s a reason i can see so much.  there must be a reason you cast me down here.  was i really that horrible? did i disobey you?  im sorry for whatever i did, im so sorry.  but every bad guy has a back story to tell. every bad guy is a good one turned bitter.  and even they deserve some happy ending.  ive learned my lesson i swear. just take me back to Heaven where i belong. dont leave me here.

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wow..

i never realized how nervous getting close to someone made me.  i just noticed that because the person im texting didn’t text me back within ten minutes, i automatically assumed he didn’t like me or was hanging with someone better than me….and i think like this all the time. no wonder i get so panicky in social situations..

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finally….

well i did it.  i finally pushed him away.  the only one who i felt like i maybe could trust everything with, every part of me and someone i could have loved.  he wanted to help, he wanted me to tell him and i said no.  after he told me all that stuff about him.  im the problem, i promised him something i simply couldnt give.  at least now i have my answer, i really do care about him.  it wasnt just me and my need for something new and exciting.  because now that he’s gone, i finally realize how important he was to me.  and now he’s gone.  its for the best, i would have hurt him.  pushing him away was all i could do….but i wish i hadn’t.

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