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And In Today’s Headline: My Life is Amazing, and I’m Still Sad

Typing this right now is one of the hardest things in the world.  And (shocker)  I don’t know why.  I’ve been back in therapy for about three months (re-entered after I graduated), and I finally feel like I’m in a good place.  Of course, right about now is when I do something to fuck it all up.  Usually deliberately.  I’m not sure why, maybe I’m a sucker for hurting.  All I can think about how happy I am and how much it would hurt if something went wrong. I don’t know how to be content.  How to not worry.  How to not abandon everything and everyone else before they can do it to me first.  Even with music I do this.  I know I can be so much better, have unlimited potential (still hate that word) and plenty of time, but I’m so afraid of jumping in headfirst.  What ifs cloud my brain and smother my common sense until all that’s left is the fight or flight gut reaction, usually ending in flight. I’m a coward.

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