Now It's For Real (Not really)

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Spring Break 2015

on April 10, 2015

I feel empty.  I thought it would be good, I thought this would be good.  I told myself it wouldn’t be like winter break, that I would get out, hang with friends, be the person I so desperately want to be.  I was a fool.  I haven’t done hardly anything worth mentioning over break, and I can’t remember what I have done.  I hate it when it gets like this.  There’s nothing.  Not a damn thing inside.  I’m not sad, I’m not happy, I barely exist.  Even my better moments get lost in the blandness of everything.  I feel like my friends are indifferent towards me, my family doesn’t see me through all the smoke, and above all, no one sees or hears me.  I’ve tried to explain myself, but it doesn’t come out right.  I feel like I’m speaking in a different language and the only way to communicate is through google translate in long complicated paragraphs.  It comes out jumbled, misspoken, lost in the wind.  Everything gets twisted and I talk and they don’t understand what I’m trying to say.  The smallest things make me want to scream, dropping a plastic cup makes me cry, and I know I’m being irrational and overreacting but I can’t stop.  The only thing that’s made it better is my ukulele.  I’ve been writing like crazy, four songs since school let out, and have been putting chords to them.  Even then though, I can only do that for so long at a time.  I’ve had days where I can barely stumble out of bed and take a shower before climbing right back in.  And I’ve been places but not really been present.  Just…it all feels so wrong.  And I keep having to remind myself this is only a down period, and that an upturn is on its way.  I don’t know when it’s coming though, and I don’t know if it’ll be an upturn or just more livable.  I guess it could be worse.  I wish it would be better.

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