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How I Found and Lost My Soul Mate In Two Weeks

Well, I’m back.  Which as per usual means something very bad happened.  I haven’t posted on here since I broke up with Tony, so I guess a recap of what’s happened since is in order.  Wow, where to begin.  I have not returned to therapy or gotten any further treatment for my depression (and other possible mental illnesses), sometimes it gets really hard but I’ve learned to just power through it. Nothing substantial happened in the romance department till around May (I had a few boyfriends but it’s me, and they weren’t serious) that’s when I met Nathan, who I’d been dating until recently.  The most important part of the first part of 2014 was definitely rock camp.  For two weeks I was away in a music camp up in the UP, and holy crap.  Let me just tell you it was the most amazing two weeks of my life.  For two reasons:

  • Music is my passion, and I got to play it and be in a big rock concert, how epic is that?
  • I met the most amazing person I’ve ever met, or am likely to meet ever again.

Now, this blog is here to be an outlet for my pain, so I’m not going into how amazing rock camp was.  I’m here to talk about how much…how much I miss him.  Caleb was in my band (guitarist), and immediately caught my eye.  Before I get into much more, let me explain myself.  I am polyamorous, so I keep my doors open to flings while I’m in a relationship (as I was with Nathan during camp).  Now you know, I never meant things to get this far.  Long story short, me and Caleb started hanging out and eventually hooking up (not sexual).  He introduced me to his friends and I loved them, so we often hung out together as a group.  For two weeks, we saw each other almost every day, and in those days he gave me the most fantastic experience in my life.  Better than the band practices, as filling as the rush I get on stage, that’s what we were.  I never wanted to settle down, but I’d never met anyone that made settling down so exciting.  That’s what I did, I settled down into him, and I fell in love.  Throughout the trips to chain stores and small shops I found the person I want to spend the rest of forever with.  I broke the rules.  The one thing I wasn’t supposed to do when I got up there is find love and I did.

When I got back, everything was different.  I had no feelings for my boyfriend when before I was crazy about him.  I broke up with him, and am currently single.  I think I’m gonna stay single.  I don’t know how to handle this, I’ve never belonged here and I still don’t.  I found a home and he’s ten hours away, and he doesn’t know how I feel about him.  I was planning to tell him when we said goodbye, but there wasn’t any time and now I just can’t.  I was a fling for him, and I have to pretend that he was the same.  I miss him more than anything, and I’d do anything to go back up there and tell him everything and be with him.  But that’s not my life.  I’m likely never going to see him again, and he’s probably already forgotten me.   God…just…this is killing me.  He was it.  And I lost him.

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