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Conflicted

i hate the way I am.  i have an amazing boyfriend, but something still feels missing.  I can’t imagine me staying the rest of my life with him, but I could never in a million years let him.  I can’t even imagine a break up without almost crying.  But when I think about how I’m going to be able to reign myself in enough so that we can stay together, I feel trapped.  I need to be free but I need him as well, does anyone see the issue here? 😥

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Did you know that shame causes stomach aches?

Because I didn’t.  Not until today. 

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I am Marisa

And I feel so alone.  It never stops, the voices never stop they’re all I hear.  They started in 6th grade and they’ve never stopped.  Fat, ugly, selfish, stupid, lazy, unloved, drama queen, attention seeker, bitch, slut, whore, useless, pathetic, needy, cold, heartless.  Names, comments, all the time.  I can’t stand when someone compliments me because the first thing I hear is that they’re lying and they secretly can’t stand you because you’re horrible.  I hate when people buy me stuff because I don’t deserve it because you’re selfish and awful and so many other people should have what you have and they don’t and it’s your fault.  I never show how sad and scared I am because I’m weak and emotional and you can’t cry because then they would see how weak you are and laugh at you.  I’ve tried everything to make them stop.  Burning, cutting, drinking, smoking on occasion, revealing my body and dating guys I never liked and nothing works.  Since sixth grade I’ve been trying to make them go away and they won’t, they won’t, they won’t.  I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.  Someone help me.

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