Now It's For Real (Not really)

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wow..

i never realized how nervous getting close to someone made me.  i just noticed that because the person im texting didn’t text me back within ten minutes, i automatically assumed he didn’t like me or was hanging with someone better than me….and i think like this all the time. no wonder i get so panicky in social situations..

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finally….

well i did it.  i finally pushed him away.  the only one who i felt like i maybe could trust everything with, every part of me and someone i could have loved.  he wanted to help, he wanted me to tell him and i said no.  after he told me all that stuff about him.  im the problem, i promised him something i simply couldnt give.  at least now i have my answer, i really do care about him.  it wasnt just me and my need for something new and exciting.  because now that he’s gone, i finally realize how important he was to me.  and now he’s gone.  its for the best, i would have hurt him.  pushing him away was all i could do….but i wish i hadn’t.

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The three things im afraid of

-The dark (nyctophobic)

-Losing the ones i love (abandonment)

-Getting locked in a psych ward (mental breakdown)

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why

what is wrong with me? just today i was thinking maybe me and my boyfriend were losing the spark and i like someone else.  then a little bit ago i thought he might leave me and i blew wat we were talking bout way our of proportion, even thought i still might like someone else.  am i just afraid of being abandoned? do i just need to leave before i am left?

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XP

can i just say im so thankful i have this blog, i dont know what i would do without it.  so i think i said earlier im pretty sure i have borderline personality disorder (im gonna get tested soon)  and that makes things really difficult for me sometimes.  ive been in a new relationship with a guy over the last three weeks almost month, and at first it was really great, but now…..i dont kno wat my emotions are.  i cant trust my emotions caus im never sure if its really me or the bpd raging up.  so im either completely committed and happy with our relationship or i just wanna cut it off completely. its horribly confusing.  and im so ashamed because i think i might like his friend but im not sure when im with him i like him so much but when im not its just like wy cant i stop thinking about this other guy its totally ridiculous and add that to the fact iv had two big anxiety attacks over the last two days and i feel like im about to jump out a window.  im a horrible person. i deserve to die.

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