Now It's For Real (Not really)

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Inside the Monster

I was just on Tumblr and i decided to blog what a thought process in my brain is.

Average: Hey, it’s (insert name here) i wonder how they are doin  i remember that one time when we (insert thing here)  that was fun  i wonder if they remember that like i do.

Lowlowlow: whats the point this is so retarded
Other voice: you’re retarded what are you even doing
shut up
OV: make me
why can’t you just leave me alone
OV: because i am you ha you can’t escape me you’re pathetic you hear voices in your head how lame is that you will never amount to anything you stupid bitch
stop it
OV: no
OV: no im never leaving i will be with you forever just you and me
i wish people would just leave me alone
OV: why would they they dont even have pay to see a freak show
i wish people could hear me screaming
OV: what are you gonna do, tell them that you feel sad they’ll never believe you you stupid drama queen you’re trapped


Happyhappyhappy: omigosh cloud sky blue spinspinspin im so happy right now but what about later when i get sad oh no time to worry about that happy happy joy joy lalalalalalalala :DDDDDDDDD xDDDDDDDD

Angryangryangry:  go away humans are fucking stupid idiots why do we even exist dumbass species dont talk to me >:(((((((

Panicsadangryhappyscreamoutloud:  wait what spin go away can’t breath stop close worthless stupid human horrible bitch sunshine ohnoohnoohno nonononononono cutcutcutcutcutcut sigh cry lullaby quiet.

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Is Christianity Really for Me?

as you who read this know, i’ve called myself a Christian in my past posts, but im not so sure anymore.  i have a big problem with Christians, and Christianity as a whole.  all my life i’ve been told been by my parents and the church i used to go to that we should love people, all people, no matter what. but that’s not at all what i’ve seen from any Christians i’ve seen.  whenever i meet someone who is strong in faith, all they want to talk about is God and all that He has done.  and whenever i talk about other things, such as music or people in other countries and on occasion homosexuals and their opinion on the sort, all i ever hear is no no no bad bad bad.  they can’t seem to accept or tolerate anything that they don’t understand or isn’t taught by the Church.  in fact i will always remember the day my Pastor went on a rant about homosexuals that lasted for twenty minutes, and it absolutely horrified me.  his words were so full of hate and disgust, talking about how sinful and wrong they were.  what happened to love? what happened to compassion and understanding and forgiveness?  isn’t that what Christianity is about???  Christ didn’t teach us to hate people and judge them, did he not say that “He who is without sin is to cast the first stone” ?  now nearly everyone that’s associated with Christianity is the first to judge, and bully people.  we all sin, so what gives you the right to judge other’s on their sins?  all sins are the same in God’s eyes.  God loves all his children. period, end of story, no matter what.

as long as we’re talking about God, let me bring up the biggest problem i have with Christianity.  it is taught to believe in God, and pray to God and you will get answers.  well if you read this blog you know i’ve been through a lot as of late, and over the summer i looked to God constantly for advice. any sign that he was listening to me and cared what was going on.  you know what i heard? Silence, absolutely nothing. and not just silence but it felt like he was ignoring me on purpose, like i was getting the biggest cold shoulder in the universe.  at the time when i needed God most, he abandoned me just like everyone else did. maybe he was punishing me for something  i did, but i really feel like i can’t depend on anyone or anything that does that to people.  if i asked Christians thought they’d say that it was all in His plan, and that he was actually carrying me through that.  no he wasn’t.  if anything God was pushing me away and casting me out.  i screamed at the sky and begged with tears streaming down my face for anything that showed he was listening to me, and i got what the hunter shot at and missed.  jack shit.  right now i still believe in God and that he made the world and all that, but everything else is just this big blurry line, that smears until i barely know my own name.

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do NOT talk to me about being lonely, you have no clue of the word.  you want to talk to me about how lonely you are?  go on an island and live there for a month by yourself, then maybe you can understand half of what lonely is.  or try what happened to me. try being constantly alone for a whole summer with nothing but your thoughts and the animals for company.  try having human contact for 2 hours a night and then one day a week maybe five hours, but that doesn’t even count because they’re not even looking at you when they are there anyway.  try convincing yourself that you like being alone and succeeding. now you don’t want to go anywhere, do anything, be with anybody.  wait until you start hearing your own mind talk to you. when you forget what it’s like to be happy and just get lost in the days of melancholy until you don’t care if you go to sleep and never wake up, and when you are with people you just feel too crowded and blocked in and the voice is still there so you can’t properly focus on almost anything.   go to school and all your blinders are off, so you see everything for exactly how it is and there’s no imaginary world for you anymore.  see your friends and not be able to place anything they did to show that they deeply cared what happened to you.  realize they are completely oblivious to the ice in your eyes.  accept that you are alone in this world and there is nothing that you or anyone else can do about it.  fight every single battle you have without any help. then talk to me about being lonely.

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they dont you cant you see they cant

they dont get it. they hav never felt how you feel so they write you off. look at you with judgment and scorn.  they cant see that inside you’re screaming and they cant see you CANT BREATHE.  they dont know that you lie awake at night wondering how long u have until u snap.  because you can see the bomb on your chest.  the timer attached to it counts down ticktickticktockticktock until it hits zero, when it will happen. you will lose control and fall off the cliff completely, never to return. you will do something so drastic that they have no choice but to put you in a psych ward.  they cant see the thoughts spinning in your head, or feel the panic of realising you’re going to fast you’re about to crash but you can’t stop so you just hold on and dig your nails in and pray it stops soon. they dont look past your mask and see the pain you hold deep inside because you’re frightened and worried and angry and calm and FREAKING OUT all at the same time.  they do not touch you, so they cannot feel you shaking from trying to hold it all in until you eventually explode.  the only one who holds your hand is the only one who can stop it.  they see who holds your hand but not how scared you are that you will rely on them and then it will all just go downhill and you’ll be left with nothing but more memories which turn into thoughts that stab you over and over.  and when he’s gone you will have to deal without on your own again only YOU CAN’T because you relied on him for so long.  you’ll finally give in and fall off the edge of the cliff. this is when it hits zero. this is when they will finally see.

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