Now It's For Real (Not really)

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My summer story

on August 31, 2012

i kno this is called “now it’s for real (not really)”, but this post im going to be real.  if ur reading this, i want u to kno that no one, not even my closest friends, kno wat im about to tell you.  you may not believe it, but it happened. so here we go. this is the story of the worst summer of my life. this is the story of this summer.  before i tell you this, i should let you know this is not out of the blue, iv had trouble with feelings like this a lot for the past few years, but this was definitely the worst. 

it started out as any other summer, me just relaxing after the school year ended.  i live in the country, cant drive, and hav busy family members so i didnt really get out much.  slowly i started deteriorating on the inside.  i didnt want to move, or eat, or go out with my friends.  i just wanted to get on my computer and watch TV.  and it wasnt just laziness either, i didnt want to move because i didnt see the point.  why? why leave the house wen i was so ugly? so anti-social?  why should i eat wen im so fat?  about the 3rd or 4th week after these thoughts first appeared i hit rock bottom, and stayed there for a solid month.  my sister forced my to go places with her and our friends.  even wen i was with them i didnt talk hardly at all, and i felt just as bad.  eventually wen my sister took me out, i put on a smiling mask just to stop the questions everyone asked me.  because no, i wasnt fine, but telling them that wasnt going to help me at all.  i was crying every day, and felt horrible about myself. i was cutting and hoping wen i went to sleep at night i would never wake up.  after i went on vacation, i started feeling like myself again.  i stopped cutting, and life started having a meaning again.  i still hav trouble a lot, but i feel good almost as much as i feel bad, which is good enough right now.  Why didnt i try to commit suicide? i almost did, but music has always been a big part of my life, and this summer it was especially important.  dont judge me, but wenever i almost let go completely and ended it all, i turned on a band i found right before school ended.  One Direction.  Yes, it’s cliche and a lot of people dont like them, but im not kidding wen i say they saved my life more than once.  I wanted you to hear this story becaus i feel that this blog only showed half of who i was, and if anyone was reading it, they deserved to kno both sides of me.   so hear i am.  a cutting, depressed, Directioner.  take it or leave it. and if someone is feeling like this, dont pressure them to tell you wats going on.  let them kno you’re there to listen to them, and let them kno how amazing they are. every. single. day.  happy trails

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