Now It's For Real (Not really)

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And In Today’s Headline: My Life is Amazing, and I’m Still Sad

Typing this right now is one of the hardest things in the world.  And (shocker)  I don’t know why.  I’ve been back in therapy for about three months (re-entered after I graduated), and I finally feel like I’m in a good place.  Of course, right about now is when I do something to fuck it all up.  Usually deliberately.  I’m not sure why, maybe I’m a sucker for hurting.  All I can think about how happy I am and how much it would hurt if something went wrong. I don’t know how to be content.  How to not worry.  How to not abandon everything and everyone else before they can do it to me first.  Even with music I do this.  I know I can be so much better, have unlimited potential (still hate that word) and plenty of time, but I’m so afraid of jumping in headfirst.  What ifs cloud my brain and smother my common sense until all that’s left is the fight or flight gut reaction, usually ending in flight. I’m a coward.

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Spring Break 2015

I feel empty.  I thought it would be good, I thought this would be good.  I told myself it wouldn’t be like winter break, that I would get out, hang with friends, be the person I so desperately want to be.  I was a fool.  I haven’t done hardly anything worth mentioning over break, and I can’t remember what I have done.  I hate it when it gets like this.  There’s nothing.  Not a damn thing inside.  I’m not sad, I’m not happy, I barely exist.  Even my better moments get lost in the blandness of everything.  I feel like my friends are indifferent towards me, my family doesn’t see me through all the smoke, and above all, no one sees or hears me.  I’ve tried to explain myself, but it doesn’t come out right.  I feel like I’m speaking in a different language and the only way to communicate is through google translate in long complicated paragraphs.  It comes out jumbled, misspoken, lost in the wind.  Everything gets twisted and I talk and they don’t understand what I’m trying to say.  The smallest things make me want to scream, dropping a plastic cup makes me cry, and I know I’m being irrational and overreacting but I can’t stop.  The only thing that’s made it better is my ukulele.  I’ve been writing like crazy, four songs since school let out, and have been putting chords to them.  Even then though, I can only do that for so long at a time.  I’ve had days where I can barely stumble out of bed and take a shower before climbing right back in.  And I’ve been places but not really been present.  Just…it all feels so wrong.  And I keep having to remind myself this is only a down period, and that an upturn is on its way.  I don’t know when it’s coming though, and I don’t know if it’ll be an upturn or just more livable.  I guess it could be worse.  I wish it would be better.

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Why Am I Doing This?

Okay so I haven’t been back to therapy yet, I’ve still got to get a referral from the doctors.  That’s not what this post is about though.  Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my ex boyfriend, Tony.  Yeah, the one who cheated on me.  Except he might not have.  Ever since we broke up there’s only been one person who insists that he cheated, the one who told me in the first place. Everyone else thinks he didn’t or that they just don’t know.  One thing almost everyone thinks: he’s still in love with me.  I don’t know if I believe that.  I don’t know what to believe anymore.  Everything about guys just has my head spinning lately.  So right now I’m starting to talk to him again a little, and I might like him again?  I don’t know.  I really don’t want to.  This is a mess.

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Guess Who’s Back, Back Again

I’ve decided to go back into therapy.  Of course it’s gonna take a little bit because I need to be referred by a doctor, but it’s all the same I’m going back.  I just can’t anymore.  I’m so mixed up all the time and I’m hoping therapy will help me clear my head and figure some stuff out.  Ever since I got back from the UP things started getting bad and they’re just getting worse.  I’ve been having suicidal thoughts again and almost relapsed back into cutting several times, and I can feel my abandonment issues coming back up again.  I don’t know, especially my situation with guys at the moment.  You already know about Caleb.  I don’t really think he was my soul mate anymore, just another person I loved that didn’t love me back.  Don’t get me wrong it still fucking hurts, I miss him every day, but I’m doing my best to move on.  That’s one reason I’m going to therapy again, I’ve been involved with three guys in the last three months and haven’t gotten into a relationship with any of them, which is fine, but I feel like I’m leading some of them on and the last thing I want to do is break someone’s heart again.  So yeah, that’s what I’m up to.

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How I Found and Lost My Soul Mate In Two Weeks

Well, I’m back.  Which as per usual means something very bad happened.  I haven’t posted on here since I broke up with Tony, so I guess a recap of what’s happened since is in order.  Wow, where to begin.  I have not returned to therapy or gotten any further treatment for my depression (and other possible mental illnesses), sometimes it gets really hard but I’ve learned to just power through it. Nothing substantial happened in the romance department till around May (I had a few boyfriends but it’s me, and they weren’t serious) that’s when I met Nathan, who I’d been dating until recently.  The most important part of the first part of 2014 was definitely rock camp.  For two weeks I was away in a music camp up in the UP, and holy crap.  Let me just tell you it was the most amazing two weeks of my life.  For two reasons:

  • Music is my passion, and I got to play it and be in a big rock concert, how epic is that?
  • I met the most amazing person I’ve ever met, or am likely to meet ever again.

Now, this blog is here to be an outlet for my pain, so I’m not going into how amazing rock camp was.  I’m here to talk about how much…how much I miss him.  Caleb was in my band (guitarist), and immediately caught my eye.  Before I get into much more, let me explain myself.  I am polyamorous, so I keep my doors open to flings while I’m in a relationship (as I was with Nathan during camp).  Now you know, I never meant things to get this far.  Long story short, me and Caleb started hanging out and eventually hooking up (not sexual).  He introduced me to his friends and I loved them, so we often hung out together as a group.  For two weeks, we saw each other almost every day, and in those days he gave me the most fantastic experience in my life.  Better than the band practices, as filling as the rush I get on stage, that’s what we were.  I never wanted to settle down, but I’d never met anyone that made settling down so exciting.  That’s what I did, I settled down into him, and I fell in love.  Throughout the trips to chain stores and small shops I found the person I want to spend the rest of forever with.  I broke the rules.  The one thing I wasn’t supposed to do when I got up there is find love and I did.

When I got back, everything was different.  I had no feelings for my boyfriend when before I was crazy about him.  I broke up with him, and am currently single.  I think I’m gonna stay single.  I don’t know how to handle this, I’ve never belonged here and I still don’t.  I found a home and he’s ten hours away, and he doesn’t know how I feel about him.  I was planning to tell him when we said goodbye, but there wasn’t any time and now I just can’t.  I was a fling for him, and I have to pretend that he was the same.  I miss him more than anything, and I’d do anything to go back up there and tell him everything and be with him.  But that’s not my life.  I’m likely never going to see him again, and he’s probably already forgotten me.   God…just…this is killing me.  He was it.  And I lost him.

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A Real Life Poem About Love

For years I tried to convince everyone
I was cold
So determined am I to get this across 
That I actually believe it myself
But deep in me is something I cannot place
That does not fit
I have this burning passion in me
For someone I haven’t met
I feel the pull to them deep in my chest
They’re somewhere out there
But I refuse to leave my icebox where it’s cozy
Though it cares not I am cold
It does not stop to try and keep one last bit of me warm
It is just as determined as me

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It’s My Thoughts

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He Cheated On Me.

I found out Monday that my boyfriend of over 8 months has been cheating on me for four of them.  With his ex-girlfriend.  I feel so worthless.  Like I know I shouldn’t because it’s because it wasn’t my fault, but I do.  I just can’t believe that I fell for it, fell for him.  I knew when we got together he still had feelings for her, and I knew they still talked a lot, but I never thought he was getting nudes from her.  And God know what else they did when they hung out alone together.

But the worst thing is that, yes, I’m mad at him for cheating on me.  But I’m more mad at myself for ever trusting him or loving him in the first place.

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Had a panic attack at school today..

It was my third day of school, and I was hoping that my social anxiety had gone down.  But it was a little optimistic I guess, these things don’t just disappear.  This morning we had a pre-test for Honors Chemistry and I didn’t know ANYTHING.  Even though the teacher said that the average was a 12% for the pre-test I was still freaking out.  I started hyperventilating and shaking.  I couldn’t leave the class though because it was almost over, and then I got inspiration for a song (this happens out of nowhere, usually when I’m very upset or very happy).  So I just started writing until the bell rang, then I told my next teacher I was going to get a drink of water and just sat in the bathroom until I started feeling calmer.  I was a little shaky for a few hours but thank goodness I was able to write my song down, or I would have completely lost it in Chem.  Once again, music saves the day 🙂

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I tried to get over it and move on, I wrote down my feelings and did my best to forgive her. But how could she do this to me?  I thought out of everyone she understood me.  But apparently not,  because she broke my heart again.

How could my best friend tell my boyfriend I don’t love him?

It’s not even that she told him that, I mean it kind of is, but more so that she could believe it to be true.  She genuinely believes I don’t love him.  She believes I am using him.  I knew it, I should’ve seen it coming really.  How could I pretend anyone got who I was for this long?

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